I’ve made a list of now and from previous inventories. It will never be finished but ….
I’m asking the God of my understanding to help me to forgive everyone and thing, including me. Looking at the list, the common thread through the most of it was, i just walked away and never looked back. If i did look back, it would be to see if i would be missed. I didn’t think i was worth much and didn’t have a lot to contribute so i just left. I never really felt a part of anything thou i did some really great interesting stuff. Usually from the outside. Funny how i can be a part of something and still feel like an outsider. I think it is an attitude thing, not quite as good or not the same as. Not able to give 100 % because of my sex addiction and not knowing what if anything was wrong.
In someone’s barn to see his antiques, which he is really excited about and all i wanted to do was see if he had any porn pics on his walls. Speed swimming, camp counselor, soccer dad, it’s all the same. Even the guy with the cement sail boat. Underground lust.
In recovery, now i can give it my all, while my Higher Power looks after my lust. I still have to focus the subject at hand and i find my mind still wanders but not so much and not to such dark places. I struggle to concentrate sometimes and if my mind wanders into lustful thinking, i can surrender that to God and get on with the job.
Looking back at my list, i don’t think i have to track any of these people down. We were all looking for a connection in many different ways and means. My job now is to stay sober and in recovery then ,if, when, i run into somebody, I can be 100% present and do the next right thing. My Higher Power can show me the way so I do no more harm.
Thank you Lord for the understanding.
I’m Jack T. and I’m a sexaholic
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